guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
