I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
