Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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