I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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