If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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