If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
