the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
