some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
