just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize