Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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