I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
