Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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