I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize