This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
