the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
