I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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