you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
