I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize