I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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