just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
