Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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