Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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