I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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