u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
