So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
