No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
