I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
