i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My life is pants optional.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
