I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
