Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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