Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
