Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
