The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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