Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
