yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize