I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize