Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
two words: eviction party
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
