just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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