so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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