we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
