I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
