i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
