I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
