the condom got lost in my hair
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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