Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
