i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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