I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
