One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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