Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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