she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
