I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
