we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
