Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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