90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
