I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
