my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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